I spent the first four months of 2026 writing a book about things I liked. But on May 12th I had a “knee replacement”; even if it goes well you are in a lot of pain for quite a long time and deeply frustrated. So here I am, approaching my eightieth birthday and feeling like a miserable old git. I duly seem to be dwelling much more on things that I dislike rather than things that I like. Of course the genre in which you discuss the things you dislike is necessarily different from the one in which you talk about the things you like. The latter is worth a book – you want to dwell on the joys of Sir Clive Lloyd’s batting or Barbara Jefford’s voice or the taste of fresh espada. The list is the natural form for dislike: state it and move on. Incidentally, dislike does not necessarily imply disapproval, though they often coincide. In alphabetical order, with some notes to follow:
A Airbnb (1)
Air Conditioning (2)
Ambition
Anyone who claims they know God’s will (3)
Automobiles (4)
B Background music (1)
Baseball caps (2)
Bullshit
C “Caucasian”
D Doctorates
E Equality
F Fast food
“Fine dining”
G Grade inflation
H Humanism
I Ice (1)
“Incredible” (2)
Intemporate weather (3)
International football (4)
L Legalism (1)
Long distances
M Modern architecture
N Non-alcoholic fizzy drinks
P Photography (1)
Puritanism
Q Qualifications
R Regulations (1)
Republics (2)
S Second homes (1)
Service charges (2)
Shacks (3)
Social media
T Tattoos
Teabags (1)
Tipping (2)
T-shirts
U “Unbelievable”
W Wilderness
NOTES
A1 – OK, in deserted parts of rural France where nobody wants the properties anyway it might be OK, but in Mediterranean cities it raises rents and prices and destroys local communities.
A2- The first time I was ill was aged 20 when I was in a centrally heated building for the first time. “Aircon” is even worse; who needs a blast of cold air? People living in the wrong place, that’s who. Or the wrong kind of buildings.
A3 – The idea that the Creator of the Universe would bother himself with dietary regulations or demand that you cut the end of little boys’ willies is fatuous, childish, demeaning . . .
A4 – Who wants to sit in a metal box? At the time of writing I’m not allowed to drive (condition of right leg rather than drunkenness) and it makes no difference to my life because I live in a town and shops, pubs, restaurants, theatres, the train station etc. can be reached on foot or by bike. (Confession: I do enjoy a motoring holiday in a fairly empty province such as Languedoc or Extremadura. )
B1 – I go to concerts to listen to music. I go to pubs and restaurants to not listen to music, but talk to people. Anyway, the chances of them playing anything I liked are pretty close to zero, though they were better in Indian restaurants back in the day.
B2 – Ann often remarks that wearing a baseball cap makes you look like a moron. Though some of the people who wear them actually are morons. If you wear them regularly outdoors the bottom of your face becomes a different colour to the top half.
C – The use of the word “Caucasian” to describe “white” people goes back to a nineteenth century theory that “white” people evolved separately from other races in the Caucasus. It was a theory which existed purely to justify treating fellow humans badly and it didn’t stand up to any kind of scientific scrutiny; we are all of common origin. “Caucasian” is thus the most racist word in the dictionary. Since I have worked in the Caucasus and have friends there I would like to see the word “Caucasian” used properly. “White” people are not Caucasians. They aren’t even white.
D – The number of people doing doctorates went up well over 1000% during my time in universities (1964-2014). This did nobody any good and served to put able people off an academic career since you didn’t get to start properly until you were over thirty. In any case I’ve seen it from all sides: the doctoral procedures became thoroughly corrupted and the qualification became no guarantee of any level of ability. If you paid your fees your supervisor was under enormous pressure to make sure you got the degree. And AI makes it worse.
E – The blackbirds in my garden are equal – same size, same capacities and incapacities, etc. The essence of humanity is inequality so anyone who regards it as self-evident that people were created equal is being wilfully moronic.
G – It’s everywhere: not just degree classifications which don’t mean anything any more, but everyone in business has some inflated title or is a “vice-president”. And good old Division 4 in football is now “League Two”. We used to joke about the Spanish army where everyone was an officer.
H – By which I mean the re-invention of religion as self-worship so that our species is attributed with abstract qualities such as “natural rights”. Let’s blame Jean-Jacques Rousseau: no proposition in the whole of religion is as obviously nonsense as, “Man is born free . . . .”.
I1 – The ruination of roads, pavements, pistes and high quality drinks.
I2 – The most thoughtless, over-used word in the English language. If you listen to sporting commentary and interviews almost everything is described as “incredible”: a goal scored from thirty yards, a decent lob to the baseline, a boundary off the last ball . . . No! You just saw it happen. That is the definition of credible. If I tell you that there are a million feral giraffes wandering the streets of London or that walking through Burnley in the rain is regarded as one of the great human experiences, that’s incredible.
I3 – Where I live you can play tennis or cycle on about 350 days a year. It actually rains on average about 150 days a year, but not hard and not all day so you can plan round that.
I4 – I have followed my own football team to more than six dozen different grounds, but I haven’t watched an international football match since 2018. This is primarily because international football is organised by FIFA, a farcically corrupt organisation which serves the interests of dictators and big media companies. But it also because of the awful success of FIFA in attracting masses of people to its fairy dust combination of globalism and nationalism. This is really creepy! People crying about football results. The Brazilians are the creepiest of the lot.
L1 – The United States has around 1.7 million lawyers. Japan, with over one third of the number of people that there are in the USA has around 12,000.
N – This does not include the likes of Perrier and Badoit.
P1 – It was said about twenty years ago that there were then more photographs taken in an hour than in the whole of the nineteenth century. Now it would be a minute. I gave up in 2004 in the Valley of the Kings in Egypt where there were N thousand people sticking there arms in the air to try to photograph the same things. I thought, “Who (the flipping heck) is ever going to look at these pictures?” Life is to be enjoyed, not broadcast or recorded.
Q – Mostly, they aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on these days (if you still get a piece of paper). My solution is that universities should teach people, but never examine them. If they want to take exams those should be set and marked by an anonymous, neutral public body, available to those who choose to learn by other means.
R1 – There will always be governments and the human desire to make rules seems insatiable. Comparatively speaking it isn’t too bad where I live. But I have been to a place where they have regulations against everything. Not just the common choices of alcohol, gambling and substances, but crossing the road, eating haggis, hanging out washing and swimming out too far. As if determined to take the piss they often call themselves “the land of the free”. Given all their levels of government and their legalism it is odd to note that their weakest regulations are where a sane person would want them to be strongest, meaning those relevant to firearms.
Mind you, the European Union makes serious efforts to compete with the aforementioned: I used to give a lecture on its series of “Bathing Water Directives”; it should have been an Ealing comedy rather than a lecture.
R2 – By which I mean anywhere where the head of state is someone who wants to be head of state. But not to worry; in the larger scheme of things they never last very long.
S1 – As for A1 above except with a bit of extra contempt because presumably people go on holiday to their second homes? Which means going to the same place time and time again. How boring. I inherited a house in a nice place. I though about keeping it – for around thirty seconds.
S2 – These have crept in particularly in London. France used to have a law that menus had to be “composite”. IE you couldn’t charge more than the price that appeared outside the restaurant. Good law!
S3 – Buildings should be made of stone, though brick will do. Other buildings are shacks.
T1 – Come on! You’ve only got one life. You might as well do things properly.
T2 – Either it’s compulsory or it’s optional. If the former then include it in the price. If the latter I am never going to pay for some eejit to hang around my table asking me fatuous questions, trying to pour my wine etc.
U – See I2 above.
W – When I was young I yearned for the world’s wildernesses. Now in old age, having been in deserts, high mountain ranges, jungles and forests I realise they are a) slightly scary and b) extremely boring. Slightly scary is quite good, but extremely boring means you only ever need to go once.
Lincoln Allison July 2026